To Whom it may Concern:
Her Majesty Elizabeth II by the Grace of God,
Queen of the United Kingdom
of Great Britain, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Canada, Australia
and New
Zealand, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith, hereby
decrees:
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial
duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she
does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you
who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will
be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation"
in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at
just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up "vocabulary.")
Using
the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English."
We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English
and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally
to cast English actors as the
good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national
anthem, "God Save The Queen,"
but only after fully carrying out task #1. We would not want you
to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football."
There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is
not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls; it is
a difficult
game, after all. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to
play rugby (which is similar to American "football,"
but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour
like nancies.) We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens
side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France,
using nuclear weapons if
they give you any trouble. The 97.85% of you who were not aware
that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky
that the
Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They
are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
HRMQEII